a coherent collection of random statements regarding God, words and tunes

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User: burninglight
Name: carl simmons
Further up, further in... and of course, further out!

Location: Loveland, CO.

Preoccupations: God, words and tunes.

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October 23 2008

It's My 25th Birthday. Deal With It.

And yes, I know I'm 47 in earth years. Stop reminding me. 
.
Just reflecting.... In a gas station far, far away (no, seriously... in Haskell, New Jersey, where you CAN'T pump yr own gas, and therefore...)
 
A young and often embittered gas station attendant sat, reading Crime & Punishment. He'd been wrestling with this whole Jesus thing arguably all his life, but especially in the year-plus since his 21st birthday, when he'd received a letter from his father, saying, among other things, “You’re old enough to make your own decisions now, so if you don’t want to get to know me at this point I guess there’s nothing more that I can do.” (It's a long story, but you can put some of the pieces together just from that.)
 
At this point, I had been living in an apartment above my grandmother for the last three years, having escaped an abusive stepfather (actually a few months before my mother, who was already living with him, was stupid enough to go ahead and marry him anyway — he'd only been verbally abusively to me, but apparently physically to my mother as I’d found out some years later, after he’d left her for wife #4). Astute long-time readers will also have noticed that I had been quite chemically and romantically self-abusive for quite some time already, so after a few weeks, I finally thought (whether appropriately or not, I still remember it verbatim), “All right — I’ll give him the chance nobody’s given me,” and hopped a bus to Michigan.
 
I didn’t know what to expect, let alone what to do with all the Christian stuff once I got there (try hanging out in a basement full of very demonstrative Pentecostals), but I knew that he believed it. Which led me to start thinking about it for myself. Either there really wasn’t a God or there was one and I needed to figure out what to do with that. So the next 15 months was spent trying to figure that out, although truthfully the last several months were more about me wrestling with my inability to believe what I had by then realized had to be true.
 
And so anyway, while reading the aforementioned Crime & Punishment between breaks pumping gas at a Citgo station in Haskell, New Jersey on Sunday, October 23, 1983, it finally hit me…. He’s real. He’s REAL. That’s when it all began. I couldn’t tell you which part of the book triggered it, or if it was something in the book at all. I know I was maybe halfway in when all this start welling up uncontrollably within me. And it’s worth noting that the final page of the book (which I did NOT know the ending to) tells us this about Raskolnikov: "He knew he was born again."
 
And so did I. (And needless to say, I finished the book and came across those words later that evening.)
 
There's a question in my next group lesson tomorrow, which also kinda happens to be my "a-ha" question for any new employees, Christians, pastors, etc., I come across: "What's the one thing God has shown you that you wish everyone else knew?" And I stopped to reflect on that for myself tonight.
 
And tonight, anyway, it's this seeming no-brainer, that I keep having to learn over and over: My relationship with Jesus has to always come first. Not my plans. Not people. Jesus. Because if I try to put those other good things first, I will invariably f*** them up.
 
But there's the thing. God doesn't want to screw up my plans or my relationships -- he's not the damn enemy -- he wants to transform those flesh-and-blood things into something better than what they already are. And I just have to trust him yet again. And again. And again. "Dying daily" is, frankly, a pain in the ass. And an incredible joy. ONCE I do it.
 
Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. For a quarter-century and counting.

 

Next time: More music by some obscure musician you haven't heard of but should, because I say so.

 

Posted by: burninglight at 01:19 | link | comments (36)


Comments:
#1  23 October 2008 - 02:00
 
Well, Happy Birthday! :-)

Great testimony!

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#2  23 October 2008 - 14:22
 
Again -- you make me stop and think. I think it was not an accident that I found your site as well as Tim's...and of course the added benefit of Jim :-)

Happy Birthday!!
User: 22apples4ever Contact me View user's mediablog 22apples4ever
#3  23 October 2008 - 15:26
 
It DOES sound like a collective fight for your soul when you put it that way, doesn't it? :D
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
#4  23 October 2008 - 16:38
 
very cool, carl......

thanks for sharing with us.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#5  23 October 2008 - 20:09
 
"My relationship with Jesus has to always come first. Not my plans. ..."

And, does Jesus want you to be non-denominational?

Were His plans for a bible-alone church?

Or was His plan for a bible-as-supreme church, as correctly interpreted by Magisterium and Tradition?

And if imperfection of leaders is a qualification to reject that authority, then why should they have trusted Moses' authority since he was imperfect?

Is His plan, that we use every excuse we can think of to negate and reject being submissive to His church?

Is His plan that we side with Dave Hunt or Larry Laster instead of the scriptures and St. Francis of Assisi and St. Patrick? (with all due respect, Larry).

Is His plan that we worship in one of an ocean of bible-alone churches?

Is His plan that we say our church is right because we follow The Holy Spirit better than the guy down the road? Becasue we just have peace about what we believe, so therefore we know its the Holy Spirit?

Is it His will that we reject the clear teaching of The Bible and the assumption of the church fathers of Christ's real presence in The Eucharist?

Is it His will that we reject the clear teaching of The Bible and the assumption of the church fathers of "born of water and the spirit" referring to baptism?

Is it His will that we reject the clear teaching of The Bible and the assumption of the church fathers that the apostles were given the authority to forgive sins, and then pit other scriptures against it?

Is it His will that we settle on a less-than-the-best church for our wife and children?

Is it right to be silent on these questions to the only guy who has ever played it straight with you on some of these things, in spite of the anticipated unpleasant consequences?

Is it OK to blow these off with a joke or a light of your smoke, when there's some place that He'd rather have you be?

Is it alright to blow off books that explain common mis-perceptions about Catholicism, and explain their true meaning. And then to keep chanting the common mis-perceptions?

Is it His plan that we think we have the Catholic base covered because we have a Merton book or two?

What about God's will that you attend it, and adhere to it?

Jim
Anonymous
#6  23 October 2008 - 20:14
 
BTW, you probably don't believe this; but none of those questions are to be critical, or hold at gunpoint, just food for thought.

Jim
Anonymous
#7  23 October 2008 - 20:39
 
leave it to jim, to ruin a nice thread, with garbage.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#8  23 October 2008 - 21:01
 
If it's any comfort, I fully anticipated it.

And my name is Carl Simmons, and I STILL Aprove of this message. :P
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
#9  24 October 2008 - 01:47
 
We live once.

He wants nothing but the best for us.

The Catholic Church is what's best for us, because He formed it.

He asks us to do His will.

It's not up for debate. The debate would be if there is even a debate.

Nothing in history or scripture shows bible alone and altar calls.

Everything in history and scripture shows a liturgical life centered around the sacraments.

And God is calling you to a whole new level.

I don't belittle you feeling like you were born again 25 years ago. To come to the realization of Christ in your life, is like having a new birth. At the same time, you weren't scripturally born again until you were baptized.

That was the first sacrament. Now it is time to come to Catholicism for the other sacraments.

Jim
Anonymous
#10  24 October 2008 - 15:25
 
yet you DO belittle it, by saying all the rest of that crap.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#11  24 October 2008 - 15:55
 
Actually, it's still the same size no matter what Jim says. It's all good. :)
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
#12  24 October 2008 - 17:31
 
No way. Anyone coming to a conscious realization of Christ, and consciously having it affect your life, is nothing that I would ever belittle.

The issue is where God provides the fullness of grace and truth for Christians.

And that would have to be the teaching authority that Christ established through St. Peter.

And He wants you checking out those kinds of books, such as

"Evangelical is Not Enough" - Tom Howard

"Catholic and Christian" - Alan Schreck

"Catholicism and Fundamentalism" - Karl Keating

"Catholic Evidence" - Frank Sheed

I've been talking with people like you guys for a long time on the internet, and you all insist that you've looked into Catholicism. Yet, never once have any one of you who claimed that, ever checked out any of those types of books. And yet there is the insistence that you have thoroughly examined Catholicism, or a rather snooty Baxteresque reply that you've seen enough to know.

And again, none of you fool me at all, becasue I 've been where you have been; and I had the dignity to go against my own temptation to be unfair towards Catholicism. I was unfair towards it for a while, but I knew that if i wanted to be true, I'd have to approach it honestly.

Jim
Anonymous
#13  24 October 2008 - 18:53
 
you haven't been where we are.

you were raised catholic, left, and went back.....

none of us are anywhere near that.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#14  25 October 2008 - 00:58
 
But I rejected it with the same lines of reasoning that you guys use.

And that reasoning, when analyzed, is faulty.

For instance, how does any corruption that we can point to negate that they canonized the scriptures?

How does any corruption that we can point to negate that the teaching has been totally consistent?

If Christ said that the Pharisees corruption did not negate their authority (Matthew 23:1), then who are we to say that Catholic authority is negated because of some corruption in its history?

If you're honest with yourself about stuff like that, and then you're honest with yourselves about the other stuff, its an open and shut case.

I mean, how ridiculous to think that The Catholic Church would have it wrong for 1600 years and then a bunch of competing breakoffs got it right, and now anyone can break off from anyone and say its based on biblical grounds. Its ludicrous; its insane.

The Catholic church has stood its ground for 2000 years on life, marriage, open-ness to life, and everything else its consistently taught. And especially in this day and age, its teachings shine like a brighter light than ever.

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#15  25 October 2008 - 01:28
 
yawn.....

you can keep saying it, jim, but we're still not buying what you're selling. you're like a broken record.

someone once told me, you can never get someone to change their mind. because to do so, requires them to admit they were wrong. what you CAN do is help them make a new decision, based on new information.

you haven't presented anything new in years.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#16  25 October 2008 - 20:49
 
Kind of a rude response to a sincere post; but, hey, it's between you and God.

Jim
Anonymous
#17  27 October 2008 - 15:43
 
Here is what I believe is a message from Jesus Christ:

--------
Silence, towards My church, and the fullness of My grace?

Disdain, towards the order that I created?

Its good to remember what I did 25 years ago. Its also good to not ignore all the things I did 2000 years ago.

You pass this way one time.
---------------

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#18  27 October 2008 - 16:49
 
hallelujah!!!

jim has become charismatic, and received the gift of prophesy!!!!

quick carl.. speak in tongues!!!

User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#19  27 October 2008 - 19:30
 
I said that's what I believe He is asking you, I didn't say it was.

I'll never be ashamed to say what I believe Christ wants to say.

And it would be nice to see some substantive reply to the points, from yourself and another party here. There is nothing unreasonable, insincere, nor inappropriate about my questions or points, so it would be nice to hear some sincere feedback on them.

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#20  28 October 2008 - 01:03
 
fine....

i think your supposing to speak for Christ is arrogant, and borders on blashpemy.

i ignore nothing Jesus did. i ignore a lot of things done in his name since then.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#21  28 October 2008 - 01:56
 
"i think your supposing to speak for Christ is arrogant, and borders on blashpemy."

I didn't suppose it, I claimed that I believe He would ask those questions in this conversation. And He would.

"i ignore nothing Jesus did. i ignore a lot of things done in his name since then."

He said He will build a church, and you and Carl need to demonstrate an honesty in prayerfully discriminating what that is, and a willingness to go where it leads.

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#22  28 October 2008 - 16:44
 
see? you're stating as fact that this is what He would say.

you don't know.

i have prayerfully considered it, and believe i am right where God would have me to be.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#23  28 October 2008 - 17:23
 
You seem "awfully" sure of yourself.

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#24  28 October 2008 - 22:36
 
yes.... as i said, i believe i am right where God wants me to be.

if i wasn't sure, i'd make a change.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#25  29 October 2008 - 00:17
 
Its almost llike you want to talk about you, instead of what Christ's plan was for the church and why.

So, until we get on the same page, this conversation is useless.

Jim
Anonymous
#26  29 October 2008 - 01:50
 
you said considering this plan is something i needed to do. i said i have. you made it about me.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#27  29 October 2008 - 12:02
 
Can't relate. The attitude, and what's not said is louder than what is said. And that goes for the host of this blog too, as far as this issue goes.

Jim
User: LDVoyager Contact me View user's mediablog LDVoyager
#28  06 November 2008 - 01:20
 
Happy 25th Carl!!!

The rest of yaall just need to shut the hell up.
Anonymous
#29  06 November 2008 - 14:12
 
Thank you, o anonymous one. For both parts (although the last part's
a tad overstated, and I think I'm just gonna go ahead and handle that one myself anyway).
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
#30  06 November 2008 - 14:52
 
yer banning me?
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#31  06 November 2008 - 15:26
 
'fraid so. You've grieved the Spirit enough in these parts, dude. You'll have to find new ways to git 'er done. And I'm sure you will. :)
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
#32  06 November 2008 - 23:34
 
well get to checking then!!
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#33  07 November 2008 - 03:15
 
Congrats Carl, God IS good.

Todd.
Anonymous
#34  10 November 2008 - 01:16
 
i feel better already.

thanks carl.
User: larryl Contact me View user's mediablog larryl
#35  23 February 2009 - 21:28
 
Hey Carl, I'm typing from Rob's computer so I hope you pass yr IP test. I P quite well actually and thank you very much. That was a beautiful post, and while you know we disagree on these things I never fail to appreciate the sincere and well intentioned feelings yr Christian writing evokes.

And, uh, you all DO realize that Jim thinks he IS Jesus, right?
tim
User: timbyrnes Contact me View user's mediablog timbyrnes
#36  26 February 2009 - 22:46
 
Thanks, tim.

And yeah, I know, but I think I can still pick the real Jesus out of a lineup when I need to. :D
User: burninglight Contact me View user's mediablog burninglight
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