a coherent collection of random statements regarding God, words and tunes

Ramblings, Parts Whatever to Whatever Else

     Basically, a response to the first ramblings, post-retreat:

     1) Starting with the most "frivolous," broke 10,000 feet above sea level for the first time on a hike. Considering I was in Jersey 15 months ago (where the highest "mountain" is 1,800 feet), that ought to impress SOMEbody.

     2) Retreat was nice. More one of those mid-level "good to get some of the junk out" retreats than earth-shattering, but I still needed it. Worked through Watchman Nee's Changed into His Likeness (my personal compulsive re-read) yet again, and yet again came away with some new thoughts. What seemed to come up most (and more on this later) was this unholy trinity, if you will, of stuff that all too often drives me -- namely, fear, anger, and distrust.

     If I came away with one positive message it was this: God brought me out here, into all these new challenges AND blessings. Therefore, it's still His problem and not mine. If you had told me two years ago that I'd have a job where all I am is fully engaged, a home 2 1/2x the size of the one we were in (for less money), and for the first time in my life didn't have to sweat every single expense we had, I'd've laughed myself silly. Throw in being well-connected and active in a thriving art community and you could get my artist wife laughing along, if she wasn't already.

     The thing is, in this brand-new paradigm hundreds of miles from the place I lived my entire life, you find yourself trying to hang onto those things, only for different reasons. In a large sense, being stressed over what you don't have isn't all that much different from stressing over losing what you do have. It's still stressing over stuff. But what I prayed 15 months ago remains the same: "God, this is Your gig." That doesn't change because I'm now in the gig rather than hoping for it. So, that was helpful.

     3) Church.... we'll see. In two months I'll know a lot more, and that's that for now. All I can do is stay in the locked and upright position.

     4) The mom stuff: Can't say the basic position has changed (aside from us receiving the release bond over the weekend, officially declaring the "active" estate closed), but trying to dig into that provided the most insight into #2 above. A few years back, when I was preparing for whatever ministry it was God was preparing me for (which was "officially" heading toward pastorship, but even then Marion & I suspected I was better suited for something more "para-church" -- and I guess so did God, given where I wound up), I worked through a 12-step recovery program, including the whole inventory thing -- I didn't want anything to hold me back when the time came, so I got pro-active about it. Since I used the same 5-subject notebook to write down my thoughts this weekend, I spent some time Saturday night re-reading it, as I thought it might provide a key to any unresolved issues with my mother that might still be out there. Can't say I found anything new in that sense.

     What did really hit me was this sequence of events between ages 6 and 7, where I went from this skinny kid with lots of friends to this overweight one that'd get beat up a LOT in the next 6-7 years (and whose A's and B's were often offset by D's and F's in handwriting and self-control -- yes, you actually got grades for that back then). During that time my parents were splitting up, and I was regularly put in positions where I was either being "protected from the truth" or having to choose myself between either lying or hurting someone (let's just say I was witness to some things I should never have seen as a 7-year-old in the first place) and usually would just lose it instead.

     Goes a long way toward explaining both my compulsive need for honesty (not that that's a bad thing, but....) and why I usually end up taking 500 words to say what 10 might have accomplished (or 10 to make some pithy remark that really requires 500 to explain). And/or why I use humor/wisecracks instead of confrontation or bluntness to deal with the really lousy things in front of me. And maybe why the person I most need to let off the hook in all this is myself. Basically, I still have a load to unlearn/re-learn.

     Besides, after meeting Marion for lunch before heading out on Friday (it's really nice to work two miles away and have a nice cafe at work, BTW), it occured to me that if I DO have any grieving to do, it's gonna happen when my dad comes out end of next week. (I didn't get to know my dad again until I was 21 -- whole 'nother story, but a much better ending.) Calling him in Michigan on February 6 to tell him that his first wife -- the person he'd conceived me with -- was dead, had to be one of the most surreal moments I've ever experienced. Anyway, he's gonna want to talk. And with his second wife of 35 years here as well... well yeah, it could get weird. Those of the praying persuasion may feel free to do so.

     5) I should have clarified in the last entry by saying "no new music." Worked on my set(s) up there, and made two changes. Out are the Dogs' "Come Down Here" and Mark Heard's "Another Good Lie." In their place are Mr. Heard's "I Just Wanna Get Warm" (which is my favorite song of his, anyway), and this one from Bruce Cockburn, which got to me repeatedly this weekend to the point I could barely get through it, so I'm pretty sure that means I should go with it:

Something jewelled slips away
Round the next bend with a splash
Laughing at the hands I hold out
Only air within their grasp
All you can do is praise the razor
For the fineness of the slash

'Til the Rose above the sky -- opens
And the light behind the sun -- takes all

Gutless arrogance and rage
Burn apart the best of tries
You carry the weight of inherited sorrow
From your first day till you die
Toward that hilltop where the road
Forever becomes one with the sky

'Til the Rose above the sky -- opens
And the light behind the sun -- takes all

Ozone on the midnight wind
Got me thinking of the sea
And the mercies of the currents that brought
Me to you and you to me
And in the silence at the heart of things
Where all true meetings come to be

I see the Rose above the sky -- open
And the light behind the sun -- take all...

     Peace, out. Until next time.

Posted by: burninglight at 17:48 | link | comments